Are you single and wondering how to set boundaries in your dating life as a christian? You’re not alone! This post will cover the steps you need to take to set your boundaries along with ways to communicate them to the men you’re dating.

When it comes to setting boundaries in a christian dating scenario, it can seem rather daunting. Why? Well, because the mentality is that if you are a christian dating another christian, you shouldn’t need to have boundaries because everybody is on the same page. Unfortunately that just isn’t the case and I’m sure I’m not the only one who can attest to this.

Just because a man has “christian” listed on his dating app profile, does not automatically make him on the same page with us when it comes to dating the christian way. *Boundaries enters chat*

Perhaps you’ve landed here after experiencing a less than ideal dating situation with a man. Or hopefully, you’re here because you want to begin dating but want to be sure you have safeguards in place before opening yourself up to potential pitfalls. Either way, I’m so glad you’re here because setting boundaries isn’t something you can snap your figures at and magically have them in place. It takes practice, LOTS of practice. So that’s why I’ve written this post.

This guide below will help you approach dating with more confidence by exploring different ways to set boundaries along with examples to help you navigate your christian dating life.

1. Why do we need boundaries?

I don’t want to assume everybody thinks we need boundaries so I want to take a minute to talk about why this is important. Not only is it a wise thing to do, but setting boundaries is actually Biblical. Let’s flip to 1 Peter 5:8 which says “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” I love this verse because it tells me that we are to 1. be aware that the devil is actively searching for ways to destroy us and 2. we are given a direct order to be careful. If the author of Peter were writing this today, I imagine the verse would look something like, “Be careful, set boundaries, and protect yourself because Satan is coming.”

One of the biggest ways satan tries to destroy us is through relationships. There are many ways he can do this including but not limited to, disguising as a christian. Remember how in Matthew 4:6 he quotes scripture to Jesus in order to tempt him in the desert? Satan knows how to look like a christian! Without boundaries, we can easily fall prey into the hands of a man who looks like a christian, even acts like a christian but is not living for Jesus. And my dear sister, I do not want you with a man who doesn’t love Jesus. … *also Biblical* 😉

2. Where do I start to set boundaries?

The first thing I want you to do before discussing dating in boundaries, is to put on the armor of God. We are aware satan is coming for us and coming for our relationships, so the next verse I want to flip to is Ephesians 6:11 “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devils schemes” verse 14 goes on to say, “Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition, take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

Ok, wow. That is a lot to unpack and as much as I’d like to dig into that, I need to stay in my lane. But I wanted you to read every word of that verse because God’s word has illuminated for us a roadmap to protect ourselves with, aka boundaries. It starts with putting getting into the Word daily and setting time aside each day with Jesus so that we have His protection first. If you aren’t already establishing this crucial habit, I can’t recommend it highly enough. If you are already doing this and thinking, alright I have that step down, but now what? Please proceed to GO where you can collect your $200, I mean, continue reading.

3. What Physical Boundaries Should I Set?

Alright ladies, it’s about to get real. The Bible is very clear on this. Sex is for marriage only. This includes ANY sexual activity between a man and a woman who are not legally married to one another. Side note: If you’ve messed up in this area, God doesn’t love you any less; His grace is sufficient and you are forgiven! If you are a christian and you struggle with this, I want to encourage you to go back to step #2. Practice putting on the armor of God, allowing your love for Him to overtake anything you desire here on earth, I promise you will be filled with so much peace that you won’t want to be *ahem* filled with anything else. (did I really just say that? yes, yes I did).

The good news is that the Bible doesn’t have any hard and fast rules for kissing, hand holding, cuddling etc. So here is what I would tell you to do. Ask yourself, “Would engaging in X physical affection bring glory to God?” “Would I be disrespecting God or the man I’m dating with the physical action I want to take?” Use this as a guiding principle and allow the Holy Spirit to light your path. Is there anything wrong with these things? No, I don’t believe so but it can be a slippery slope and I believe it’s our duty as Christian women to set good examples for others, protect our hearts as best as we can and respect each and every man we come across as the Son of God he is. The way you choose to set that boundary should reflect the respect you have for your own body and the love you have in your heart for Jesus.

4. What Other Boundaries should I set?

Ladies, I hate to tell you this, but the more you date, the more boundaries you’ll need to set because men will tend to put you in situations you didn’t quite prepare for. Let me give you an example. I have a boundary that I will not travel to the man’s hometown for a first date; he needs to come to me. I do this out of safety to be sure I’m close-by to people I trust should I feel unsafe during a date. I never would have thought to make this a boundary until a friend of mine traveled out of town for a date and ended up getting sick and had to stay in an unfamiliar town with no support. yikes! Boundary now drawn.

Here are some other examples of boundaries that I’ve compiled between my own experience and that of my friends so feel free to take these or leave them as boundaries will vary from person to person. If you have questions about these specifically, please send me a note and I’ll be happy to go into further detail.

*don’t send pictures of yourself if a guy asks for them

*don’t travel out of town for a date

*don’t pay on a first date

*don’t have dates after 9pm

*don’t make plans first, he makes the plans

*don’t ask where this is going, he needs to do that

*don’t say I love you first

*don’t invest in him until he invests in you first

*don’t tease him by talk of a sexual nature

*don’t call him, he can call you

*don’t cancel plans to spend time with him

I’ll stop there for now but it’s important that you understand what you will and won’t allow in your dating life. Your list will look different and that’s totally ok! I just want to challenge you to take a piece of paper and actually write them down. Hold yourself accountable to what you have agreed to do or not do because our goal is to glorify God and these are just helpful guardrails to keep us on track with that ultimate goal. You will add to this list over time and that’s a good thing.

5. How do I communicate my boundaries?

You might be saying, Bethany, I understand why I should set boundaries, I’m putting on the armor of God, I’ve made my list of boundaries, now what? How do I communicate this without coming across like I have a list of hoops for the man to jump through. Great question! You should know in full disclosure that I have two degrees in communication and I’m still learning the best ways to do this. Why? It’s because every man is different. But if I had to give you one hard and fast rule, it’s this. Be playful! No man wants a minefield of rules he has to navigate through to get to you.

Here is an example on how to be playful when you communicate your boundary:

Man: Let’s meet in my hometown, I have a great spot I’d love to take you to.

Me: Ooh! that sounds wonderful, yet traveling out of town makes me feel unsafe right now. If you came here, I’ll take you to my favorite spot and hint, they have the best cheesecake in town, totally worth the drive 😉

In this example, you state that traveling out of town makes you feel unsafe. What guy can argue that? If he were to push back on this, we all would tell you to run sister! A man is designed to protect and if your safety isn’t in his top list of priorities, I shutter to think how he’d treat you in a real relationship. But the point is, state what you want or how you feel and follow it up with a suggestion then offer a token of gratitude. Practice your boundaries like this and you’ll no doubt start to feel more confident which will ultimately reflect back to the man you’re dating.

Closing

Setting boundaries in Christian dating gets a little easier with practice. While the topic is too large to cover in one single blog post, I hope this outline gives you a little more clarity about what it should look like. What do you think? Drop a note in the comments below or send me a message to discuss further. Happy dating everybody!

Bethany